Senior Travelers: Top Ten New Year’s Resolutions

I swear on my Morocco-bound original copy of “Gulliver’s Travels” that in this brand new year, I will:

1. Visit a local department store during its big after-holidays sale, where I can find peace and quiet and be totally alone by myself.

2. Take advantage of great cruise ship deals, but this time I’ll read the small print. Last time I signed up for a cruise, two weeks later I found myself in Navy boot camp.

3. Find a nice, warm place, like Hawaii and California, Florida, to visit until I see the first robin or some other old bird playing checkers in a warm tropical park there.

4. Return to a Disney theme park and enjoy the rides I did with my kids 30 years ago. Of course, there have been many changes since then. For instance, the Pirates of the Caribbean ride is now the Pirates of the Somali Coast. And Peter Pan's Flight now includes waiting six hours before boarding because of schedule mix-ups and weather delays.

5. Visit the George W. Bush Library, now being set up on the campus of SMU in Dallas, Texas. Some of the ex-President’s favorite personal books will be interesting, and I’ll bring my crayons for coloring them.

6. Hold a charity garage sale for Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez, because his 2009 $32 million salary won’t be enough to pay off his ex-wife and maintain the lifestyle of his new girlfriend, Madonna.

7. Produce a new TV show called, “The REAL Biggest Losers”, starring the Detroit Lions NFL football team.

8. Wish Hillary lots of success in her duties as Secretary of State, and Bill in his duties with the state of secretaries.

9. On an icy cold, snowy winter night, go to Bernie Madoff’s warm, comfy house to sit by his fireplace as he burns stacks and stacks of the phony stock certificates he sold to his suck... customers.

10. When the weather turns hot, visit the Capitol when President Obama speaks to the Houses of Congress. The building will quickly cool off as the ghosts of redneck politicians spin furiously in their graves.