Flight attendant to passengers: "Sorry for the rough tarmac landing. It wasn't the airline's fault. It wasn't the flight attendant's fault. The pilot’s hemorrhoid cushion suddenly deflated. It was the asphalt!"

Try it: Stewardesses is the longest word that can be typed using only the left hand.

Groaner: At Le Mans race track, a snail drove a car with a big S on it. When he won, all the French fans yelled, "Look at that S-car go!"

It’s true. Look at your map. Next time you’re on the road and want to drive your GPS nuts, remind it that Reno, Nevada, is actually west of Los Angeles, California.

A plane took off, and as the pilot spoke the usual calm words over the intercom, he suddenly screamed, “I’m in trouble!” While all the passengers froze in terror, his calm voice returned. “Sorry, but the flight attendant spilled hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A senior passenger yelled back, "Yeah, and you should see the back of my pants!"

If you’re riding in a Delta tourist seat, you know the airline name means: Don't Expect Legroom on This Airline.