Two Northwest Airlines pilots lost their licenses recently after they missed their destination by 150 miles. They were accused of not paying attention to their instruments and radio messages from air traffic controllers.

Maybe NW will take these suggestions in their efforts to keep their pilots awake and alert when flying:

1. To keep pilots awake, flight attendant does a slow striptease, and when the sleepy pilots reach for her, she slaps their faces.

2. Put an electric shock button in the pilot’s seats. It prods their butts if their heads nod off.

3. Have the pilots wear short shorts that tighten automatically if they fall asleep. 4. Put a big, barking, vicious dog on a short leash, with its teeth inches away from the pilots’ butts.

5. Pilots complain that they fall asleep because of soothing cockpit music. Play only full-volume Sousa marches in their compartment while in flight.

6. If the pilot opens a laptop, it automatically slams shut on his fingers.

7. Put a big video screen above the windshield, just above the pilots’ eyes, showing continuous scenes of plane crashes.

8. Put a third pilot on each flight, so that if the pilots at the controls nod off, their seats immediately eject out the window.

9. A pilot convicted of falling asleep or using a laptop in flight is to be immediately demoted to airport restroom attendant.

10. A pilot convicted of sleeping at the controls will be sentenced to walk around the airport waiting area every day wearing a big sign: KICK ME! I FELL ASLEEP IN THE COCKPIT!